Pick any Friday night in the summer. You’re headed to a patio near you for dinner with friends. You like these people. They are a super easy hang – conversation interesting enough to keep the energy high, bland enough to keep the blood pressure low.
Don’t you just love these kinds of people?
And then somewhere between coconut shrimp and cheesecake, it happens. Someone throws out a topic you know a lot about, you care a lot about and can’t help but talk a lot about.
Oh hell no–you did NOT just say you don’t like vegetables, but since you eat a lot of fruit, it’s basically the same thing.
You put down your fork, lean forward and quickly dial up your mental Rolodex of proof. Everything they say is just noise while you wait for the floor to make your case.
Sound familiar? Topics vary, but it happens to all of us.
Well…it might actually happen to me more than most people. I had a boss once tell me she stopped debating topics I care deeply about because…well, it’s just exhausting. 🥴
Go ahead. Pick a topic in your head right now.
I’ll give you some examples.
For me, it’s usually some health topic I’m nerding out on. My hyper-focus is a superpower sometimes. I consume everything I can. And I love to share what I’m learning.
“Sugar is the devil” once ruined a perfectly pleasant drive to a cottage with one of my best friends.
And no… I never did give up cookies and ice cream. Still trying.
So there you are at dinner… throwing out all the things you know. And maybe you find… no one cares. They’re not convinced. They’re perfectly happy thinking what they think. Or they have an equally impressive list of facts you’re entirely uninterested in hearing.
I remember during COVID, when school shut down overnight. Our kids were in grades 7 and 9, and in that early chaos before online classes really existed, we wanted to keep all our brains from turning to mush.
We started a weekly presentation night. Each week, someone chose a theme: Plan your favourite trip, Pick your top 3 movies of all time. Choose a myth/theory and prove or disprove it.
Simon tackled some NBA draft scandal.
Brandon went classic with the JFK shooting.
Molly tried to convince us the Grand Canyon was made of celery. What the…?!
Me?
I built an air-tight argument that fruit is completely unnecessary if you eat enough vegetables.
Charts. Vitamin counts. Daily values.
But no one cared.
How frustrating is that when you have an air-tight argument?
Even worse when it’s clear to you the facts are on your side.
Turns out there’s a better way. Thanks to my friend Dennis Bulani for pointing out this post from Daniel Pink, citing this study from Brown University with the University of Colorado and Portland State.
Here’s what they found:
When researchers looked at why people reject scientific consensus, whether on vaccines, GMOs, or climate change–they discovered a pattern.
- People most opposed to expert views knew the least.
- They were the most confident in what they thought they knew.
- The more certain they felt, the less open they were to new facts.
- More facts didn’t help – they believed they already knew enough.
- The only strategy that worked? Showing them what they didn’t know. Seeing a gap sparked curiosity – and made them willing to learn.
What does that mean for us?
If you want to change someone’s mind (or even just get them to rinse their dishes properly 🤪), don’t try to convince them.
Invite curiosity instead.
Here’s how:
- Turn answers into questions
Instead of stating facts, ask questions that reveal a gap.“If broccoli has almost 20 times more vitamin C than an apple, why aren’t we calling it nature’s candy?” - Use curiosity hooks
“Most people are surprised to learn…”
“It might sound counterintuitive, but…”
“Here’s what people often miss…” - Introduce contrasts or contradictions
“JFK’s assassination was called an open-and-shut case. But did you know there are more than 2,000 books arguing otherwise?” - Frame facts as decisions
“If you wanted to explain why the NBA draft lottery exists, would you say it’s about fairness or entertainment value?” - Avoid direct confrontation
Don’t prove them wrong. Invite them to explore.
“I’m not saying that the Grand Canyon is made of celery. But imagine if it were. What else about our world do we accept without questioning?”
Facts don’t persuade if someone already thinks they have all the information they need.
Curiosity, however, cracks the door open.
And as for my kids… I still haven’t convinced them fruit is unnecessary. That’s okay. I have nothing against fruit when not viewed as a tradeoff for vegetables. Plus, I think my broccoli crusade has definitely put green vegetables on their radar daily. #winning
🥦
And the rest of us? Next time you think you know all there is to know about a topic…maybe it’s time to get curious.
For those of you curious about the Brown University study (which looks at why people reject expert views on topics like GMOs, pesticides, and food safety) and the scientific topics it covers, my friend Dennis wrote an incredible book about food and farm production practices and he cites 199 peer-reviewed studies – that make the case for our food system being safer than ever before. Order What a Farmer Wants You to Know About Food. If you’re curious, you’ll learn a lot.
If you’re not, ask yourself what you might be missing.
Mary
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